“You Should Be Ashamed!” Why We Feel Shame and How to Let It Go

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“You Should Be Ashamed!” Why We Feel Shame and How to Let It Go

Shame is one of the most painful emotions we experience. It doesn’t just relate to specific actions—it strikes at the core of our self-worth. Many women face shame daily, and it often becomes a serious obstacle to a happy life, healthy relationships, and self-acceptance. In this article, we’ll explore where shame comes from, how it differs from guilt, and what effective strategies can help you free yourself from its grip.

Shame vs. Guilt: What’s the Difference?

Shame and guilt are often confused, but they stem from different sources.

Guilt arises when you recognize that a specific action or decision was wrong or caused harm. It’s focused on behavior and usually motivates you to make amends.

Shame, on the other hand, targets the whole self—it brings the painful belief that you are inherently bad or unworthy. While guilt encourages change, shame leads to withdrawal, isolation, and self-rejection.

The Neuroscience of Shame

Neuroscientific studies show that shame is a complex social emotion, involving brain areas responsible for self-awareness and social perception. When we feel shame, the regions connected to emotional pain and self-criticism become active. This response is rooted in ancient mechanisms meant to protect us from being cast out of the group.

In childhood and adolescence, the brain forms neural links between social approval and self-worth. If you grew up in an environment of criticism or emotional neglect, your brain may have learned to use shame as a defense mechanism against future rejection. In adulthood, this pattern can persist unconsciously, shaping how we see ourselves and others.

5 Ways to Work with Shame

Separate Shame from Guilt to Avoid Self-Invalidation

Learn to recognize when a specific behavior is in question—and when you’re judging your entire self. When shame creeps in, ask yourself: “What exactly happened? Can I change something or learn from this?” This reflection helps reduce emotional tension and puts you back in control.

Practice Self-Compassion and Be Kind to Yourself

When your inner critic starts to speak, pause and respond with kindness and understanding. Remember: self-criticism only makes you feel worse. Instead, try saying something supportive to yourself—just as you would to a close friend. At first, it might feel unnatural, but over time, this practice weakens toxic shame and builds emotional resilience.

Allow Yourself to Feel Emotions Without Avoidance

We can’t eliminate emotions, but we can stop fighting them. Give yourself permission to feel shame without resistance. Keep a journal where you can freely express your emotions without judgment. Because shame is a social emotion, having another person validate your feelings can be deeply healing. Share your experience with someone you trust—or join me for a session where you can speak in a safe, nonjudgmental space.

Address the Inner Critic Through Schema Therapy

The “Punitive Critic” mode often tells us: “You’re worthless,” “You’ll never succeed,” and so on. These messages undermine our self-esteem. In Schema Therapy, I help clients identify this internal voice and separate it from their true self. Together, we nurture a more compassionate inner dialogue that fosters self-acceptance. This inner transformation reduces shame’s hold and strengthens your sense of self-worth.

Reevaluate Deep Core Beliefs That Fuel Shame

Shame thrives on outdated beliefs formed in childhood or during difficult life events—often the result of harsh parenting or critical environments. In therapy, we’ll examine these beliefs, question their validity, and develop new ones grounded in self-acceptance and personal values. This work brings emotional freedom and renewed confidence.

If shame is holding you back from living fully and you’re ready to take control, I invite you to a consultation. The first 20-minute introductory meeting is free. In our one-on-one sessions, we’ll find a path toward releasing shame and reconnecting with your inherent worth.

References:

Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead.
Gilbert, P. (2010). The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life’s Challenges.
Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and Guilt.
Lewis, H. B. (1971). Shame and Guilt in Neurosis.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner’s Guide.

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Helpful resources

“You Should Be Ashamed!” Why We Feel Embarrassed About Ourselves — and How to Overcome Shame

How to Stop Worrying About What Others Think: 5 Techniques

Good Girl Syndrome: How to Escape the Trap of Perfectionism and People-Pleasing

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